The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
