I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
