from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
