Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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