the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it's like iHOP with fire
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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