I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
