dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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