It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
