There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
