I just threw up on my dentist
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
