he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize