In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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