I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
