Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
