you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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