Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
