I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
