So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
