dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
