Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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