Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
