I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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