i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
