I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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