There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
