We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
where are you?
Hypothermia
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
