Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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