you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
