i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
