He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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