My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
