Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
