A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
