my mouth tastes like poor choices
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
