Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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