if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
