My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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