I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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