sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
