His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the day after is always just damage control
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
