I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
