i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
