Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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