i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
worst night to have a conscience
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't deserve a penis
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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