how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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