I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
