paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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