How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
