i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
