My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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