You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The struggles of a small town man whore
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize