Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
