i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
