Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
