I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
