I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
