as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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