My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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