Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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