If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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